Dear feeling hopeless,
Let me first begin by telling you I’m so sorry you’re hurting. A troubled marriage is a painful experience. Please do not go through it alone, and reach out to someone who can help you through the pain. Just be careful about who you choose. An unbiased, neutral person, such as a counselor or leader at a church may be a good choice. You want your marriage to work, but your spouse no longer cares and wants it to end. You’ve done all the begging, pleading, yelling, crying, convincing, and retaliating you can do. So, you say you’re exhausted and have nothing left. Now, you’re questioning yourself on where you went wrong, what is going on with your spouse, and what to do next.
Do not blame yourself for anything your spouse is doing. It takes two to make a marriage work, and things go bad when two people decline to put in 100% each. Please do not look at yourself and try to “win” your partner over by being “better” at the list of things, you may come up with if you keep looking at yourself as not being good enough. However, if you both decide to try and work things out, there are some things you both will need to work on. Now is not the time.
Do not spend every minute of your days and nights wondering what she/he is doing, thinking, or planning. You will drive yourself to more pain. You could start neglecting other areas of your life while you’re preoccupied with what you have no control of. You may be telling yourself you have the right to know, and others will intensify that feeling, but the truth is if your spouse is “done” with the relationship, anything you question will not make things better. What you have to say may be the least of her/his cares. If, when you got married, you agreed to “in sickness and in health,” think of your spouse as being in a spiritual or emotional sickness. So, don’t expect them to be well enough to “work” on the marriage.
So what do you do next? NOTHING. The fact that you’re exhausted means you can now stop trying so hard. The fact that you still want your marriage means you don’t have to leave or move towards ending your relationship. You’re actually in a good place. No, not that the situation is good, but when you stop and do nothing, it allows things to happen on its own. Well, not really all on its own. This is the time to focus on you. This is the time to truly, “let go, and let God.” Be still, and wait on The Lord.
I’m not sure if you believe in His power, but what do you have to lose? Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). If you spend those lonely moments with Him, you will no longer be lonely. If, you have the urge to question your spouse, pray to God instead. As a matter of fact, whatever you want of your spouse, ask God for it to be done. He will remind you of His love for you which is greater than any others. Read His word, and He will remind you that love is an action and that we are to love others even when they do not deserve it.
So continue to “act” in love without the motive being manipulation or neediness. Do it as your responsibility to the commitment rather than to your spouse at this moment. Be the partner that God would be proud of while praying for your spouse to be the same. This is the time to be stronger than you’ve ever been, the one who takes care of the household when others are sick. Pray in every area of your spouse’s life in which she/he is falling short of responsibilities. Love “yourself.” Do the activities you love to do even though your partner is not joining you. Try a new hobby, take a class, exercise, and go on a vacation. Continue to live a life, but live it with the joy of the love of God reigning in your heart. Communicate how you feel about things that go on without criticizing or forcing an issue. Set personal boundaries without trying to control situations. Stay in control of your actions, thoughts, and your own life. Save money, and make smart choices for your own future. You do not know what the outcome will be, but you aren’t the one driving the bus in either direction. Your significant other is going to do whatever they choose to do, but if you let go, you will become stronger. You will have more peace. Be a better you for YOU.
Now, just when you begin to feel a little better, things may get very difficult. Don’t be shaken. Have faith. Stand strong. Know that whatever happens, you will be ok. Your spouse is not the source of your happiness. Leaving or staying will not suddenly make you or them happy. They may even begin to realize the same, as time passes, without your persuasion. I believe the more you try to convince someone to see what you want, the more likely they are to look in the opposite direction of what you want them to see. Let them contemplate, and let The Lord work on them. This phase could seem like a lifetime. You may want to see instant results. Patience will be a much-needed attribute. Don’t allow the extended timeframe to discourage you. Refrain from taking back the wheel, and remember to be still. Let God drive. He has a much better navigation system, and although He will not interfere with the free will He’s given us if you choose to let Him drive you, whatever your spouse chooses to do will not knock you off course.
It could be a very long journey, but every day the marriage is not over, no matter what your spouse does or says, there is hope. None of this is about being a doormat or “needing” to have your spouse in your life to survive. However, it’s also counterproductive to let pride get the best of you. This is also why it’s wise to be careful about who you choose as your support system. Although many may mean well, even family members may cause you to make unwise decisions due to their emotions. If you are committed to your relationship, I commend you. It’s easy to give up. Victory may just be right around the corner. If you make it through this journey without ending the marriage, you will most likely find your relationship to be stronger than before. Plus, if you think marriage is difficult, wait until you have to deal with a divorce (especially one involving children). Are you willing to wait for God’s work to be done in His timing? Remember, the best things are made in the oven, not the microwave. So, wait on The Lord.
I’m praying for you. Don’t lose hope.
Believing in your miracle,
Leslie Cristea
