I am so pleased to actually have a story from an offender. The following story was shared, and the author will remain anonymous. This is a true example of how making marriage matter is a personal choice with positive possibilities. 
I want to share my experience with you today from my perspective as a Domestic Violence offender. I want to start by giving you a little of my background not to justify or make an excuse for my actions, but only to give some understanding of my mindset during that time. I was raised in a very cold, dark, violent and poverty stricken environment where to do positive was frowned-upon. I was actually ridiculed by a family for making straight A’s while I was in Elementary school. My mother and the majority of her siblings were all welfare recipients and would routinely participate in prostitution and theft to make ends meat. So, I bared witness to all the sexual acts and violence that took place in this environment and vowed never to treat a woman how I saw those men treat my mother, her sisters, and other women. This lifestyle went on until I, my sister, and four of my cousins were picked up, by Child Protective Services, after my aunt called the authorities in an effort to get back at her sisters’ for not leaving her drugs from a score she felt she was responsible for setting up. I stayed in foster care for three years and again witnessed my foster mother beaten by my foster dad. I tried to step in a few times during beatings suffered by both my biological mother and foster mom only to be over-powered and out -matched by the offenders (This was ages 6 – 12). I became numb to their beatings after a while and no longer tried to help. I was in fear of getting assaulted again. I’ve continued to hold a tremendous amount of regret for not being able to do more for them. I left my foster parents care and moved in with my grandmother because my mother was still deemed unfit because of her drug and alcohol addiction.
I was married at 21 and she was 18. We only knew each other for three weeks, so we had no clue who each other truly were. I was a very violent person in my younger years because I felt obligated somehow due to my upbringing. I was coached by many of the local drug dealers, pimps, and deadbeats how to be a man. I was taught that a man should never trust a woman, and if she stepped out of line, I (the man) needed to do whatever was necessary to put her back in line. I was so paranoid, during the times work took me away that after returning home, I thought my wife was cheating with every phone call she received or male that talked with her. No woman could be trusted. If you ask if I felt this way then why get married, I don’t have a good answer for that. But I wanted a kid in order to do for them better than what was done for me, so I guess I figured I had to be married to do so. I was so confused and ignorant to how life worked. During those times where I felt I was wronged by my wife, I would verbally and physically abuse her until I felt I got the desired control of her, or the situation, I was seeking (this went on for a couple of years). One day my wife got tired of the abuse and called the authorities. Although she later dropped the charges, I had a choice to make, either go through treatment or face possibly losing my career. At the time, I didn’t care about my career, but strangely enough, internally I was looking for a way to stop treating my wife this way; especially after I vowed not to treat women the way I witnessed my mother’s and others being treated. With that said, although I didn’t want to lose the control I believed to have over my wife or be viewed as being weak by the men I respected in my life, I began attending a men’s domestic violence group. I admit at first it was a joke and a weak individual’s perspective on how to handle domestic issues. I barely participated and had to be counseled on several occasions and was threatened to be kicked out for lack of participation, but as time went by I was lured in by the lifestyle and cultural information that I was never exposed to in my adolescence.
I stayed after group meetings a few times and talked to the counselors one-on-one about different actions I could try in order to give my wife happiness. It was killing me to walk around the house and know that I did those things to her after having this new perspective on how to not only treat my wife but people in general. Oh yea, not to mention how all the yelling and screaming affected the kids. The counselors’ informed me that no matter what I learn or try to do for my wife, she may or may not forgive me for what I’ve done and it was her right. At that time, this was probably one of the most important things I got out of the whole experience. I had to focus on change for me, and I would be a better person and contribute to society in positive non-violent ways as a whole. I prayed every night that I didn’t lose that strong woman after I got myself together and would be able to be the husband she always wanted. I wanted her to experience the new me so to speak and what I had to offer as someone who truly loved her and wanted her to live a happy life.
My prayers came true. We’ve been married now for 17 years. She completed her educational goals and is now doing very well in her career. My son is playing College football, and my daughter is active in high school activities and sports. I excelled in my career, currently working within the local community promoting DV awareness. Remember, no matter your background or stressors we deal with in life, no one deserves to be verbally or physically abused. Everyone, directly or indirectly involved, loses.
Anonymous
