The last time I saw her, she had tears in her eyes. We were talking about a personal issue and I hugged her tightly. She was hurting, and I wished I could fix her issue in an instant. I never thought, in a million years, that day would be the last time I saw her. Well, it wasn’t really. I continued to see her in my memories. I can see her passing me notes during training. I can see her at my kitchen table. I can see her, in her office, telling me things many didn’t know. What I no longer see is a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend. That’s when tears roll down my face. Thinking about her family, her children, who will never get to feel her hugs again as they go through life. “How did they get through such pain? “I thought. I felt for them for so long. Those who knew her will no longer be greeted by her warm smile. So, thank God for memories.
She had been doing what most people do when faced with trials; look for something or someone to make it all feel better. We should be available to one another to lean on, to serve, or just listen. However, we can’t FIX another’s issue or dissolve one’s pain. It’s so difficult to look inward or upward when seeking happiness. Even when there is knowledge of resources or practices, it’s one thing to know what to do, but it’s another to fully know HOW to do it, especially when pain and sorrow cloud rational thinking. As one who is trained and qualified to train in certain practices and awareness of resources, I even, at times, find it easier said than done.
It is the anniversary of her death, the last month one would ever expect. I remember strolling in the building like any other day. Everyone was sitting around looking somber. I knew I was about to find out some news but nothing like that would ever cross my mind. The moment I was told, my heart felt like it dropped to the floor. I immediately knew why, but I didn’t believe the what. I can’t even pinpoint how many different emotions. There was at least shock, sadness, remorse, anger, and guilt.
How do you really know when someone is hurting? How do you know the extent of it? I remembered the time I was hurting to the point I felt I couldn’t be alone. My husband wasn’t available due to work having him far away for an extended period of time, and when we spoke, I didn’t want to burden him. So, I reached out to others, only to be told, not in the exact words, “shut up” because it sounded like complaining. I didn’t even begin to tell of what was going on with me. I thought about the possibility of so many others being told the same thing, those that were in much more pain than I was. People who are in so much pain they wished their existence would cease. I have seen and heard of physical pain even being minimized or ignored. Imagine how many times the emotional pain is ignored. We tend to ignore what the eye can’t see. There’s no wonder why so many keep it to themselves if they’re used to a response that actually contributes to the negative emotions already present.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. In a society of so much criticism, I challenge you all to remember what hides behind so many smiles. Reach out to others. Be accessible to some. Never assume someone’s motives. People are hurting, and many times all it takes is for one person to listen to help turn things around. However, happiness from within can’t be given or taken by any other. Your relationship with yourself is very important to restore and maintain. Remember to always practice self-care. Reach out to others you trust, and don’t bottle feelings inside. Learn about ways to minimize stress, and learn to cut down busyness to allow more time for family and fun. Be willing to empathize with others and refrain from being too hard on self. Prioritizing what’s truly important will reveal those are the things not seen…love, peace, joy…community…relationship…with self, and others.
This post is dedicated to the one who helped fuel my mission. We love you. We miss you. The memory of your sweet smile will last forever.
LC
