For our last DVAM guest post, Nicole Brown shares a story of how she became aware that her friend was in an abusive relationship. She had no idea because “He seemed so charming.” Many of them are. Domestic Violence is so hidden behind closed doors, and when the abuser shows exactly the opposite in public, it may be difficult to believe. Those suffering in silence need help and support in order to be encouraged enough to speak up. Feeling there is no place or no one to turn to, only allows the cycle to continue. How can you show your support, and help the 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 7 men (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), feel supported enough to speak up without feeling ashamed, guilty, or discounted? Nicole’s support may have been what helped what could have taken years, end in months.
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“Nickie, he hit me.”
“What did you say?” I quivered in disbelief.
“He hit me, Nickie!”
I was so shocked and could not believe what I heard. I was at a total loss of words and reaction. How did I, a friend, not see this? Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t I protect her? He seemed so charming, easy going, and considerate of her.
As I listened, she detailed the first time he hit her. My heart sank to my feet. I thought, “You mean this isn’t the first time?”
She described how she fell into a heated argument with her boyfriend. He punched her for talking back. She explained after this incident he continued to beat her on several occasions in private. He threatened, even dared her to tell anyone or go to the police. He boasted that no one would believe her because he was a boxer. He knew just where, just how to hit her so there would be no evidence of bruises. It would be her word against his.
I hugged her and told her how sorry I was about what happened to her. She expressed that she was trying to leave, but didn’t know how. My friend tried to break up with him, but she could not. He would thwart her attempts to leave. Her demeanor was as if everything was a matter of fact. I sensed she suffered to the point of callousness.
What could I say? What could I do? I held her hands, breathing deeply, I prayed. We prayed together. Suddenly she seemed to gather strength promising me she will call him and break it off. I offered any help. I told her to call me if she wanted to talk. Let me know what happened. I didn’t hear from her.
The more my phone calls went unanswered, the more I frantically called her until she finally answered. She told me she was doing ok. They were together working things out. He took the phone from her smoothly, charmingly, spoke, “She’s going through an emotional time, and couples fight sometimes.” He assured me everything was ok.
I thought, “Everything wasn’t ok! You are beating my friend!” I didn’t want to say anything, as I didn’t want her to suffer. I hung up the phone feeling defeated for her.
What could I say? What could I do? I prayed for her strength to leave him. I prayed for her safety and that he would never hit her again. My friend eventually left her abuser after several months.
It is so very hard to watch someone you love suffer. I never experienced or knew of anyone who was abused until this happened.
Here are some points to help friends and families to be supportive:
- Listen. Nonjudgmental listening without asking questions like Why don’t you leave? They really need someone to believe them. It is difficult to get to the point of actually talking about abuse.
2. Don’t criticize. Criticism at this point just adds to the feelings of guilt and shame. This can cause someone to just stop going to you for support. Don’t make them feel guilty for going back. Just continue to offer support. Just because you are supporting them doesn’t mean you condone the situation.
3. Encourage. Encourage your friend or family member to seek help from a supportive domestic violence agency. Try to avoid words such as “victim” or anything that makes someone feel less of a person. Don’t say, “you’re weak.” Try to use positive reinforcement. There are many agencies that offer the right support, and they also support friends and families. They can support you while you help your loved one through their situation. Contact your local agency.
Supporting your friend and family member through prayer is also a powerful way to support them. You cannot save them. They have to choose to find their way out of this. In your prayers of love include the abuser. Maybe someone abused them. The cycle can be broken in prayerful faith with loving support.
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Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for assistance for you, a friend, or family member, and ,please, call 911 in the event of an emergency.
Nicole Brown is the founder and CEO of Graphic Brown a company that helps women find a voice through visual communication.
Email: graphicbrownart@gmail.com
