“La la laa la lah la laaaa..” might be a piece of the melody rolling around in the hearts of a couple on the verge of marriage. Everything is fancy and free, kind of like a Disney fairytale. You’ve found the “ONE”, and not just anyone, but the one that is meant to be your soul mate, the love of your life, your other half, your lifelong companion. Now, all your dreams will come true and you will live happily ever after…. “Ha ha haa ha hah ha HAAA!” probably is the sound bellowing from the reader who’s been there and done that.
“Marriage is not all sugar and spice, and everything nice,” they may think and they’d be right. One of the many lies emitting from the idea of marriage is perfection. We are taught at a young age that Prince Charming will make it all right. He did for Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, shucks, even Little Red Riding Hood had an axe-wielding woodsman to protect her from the Big Bad Wolf. In the classics, Mr. Right always came and rescued the damsel in distress…then, they always lived happily ever after. That’s how it should be, right?? Actually, uh, the answer would be a boomingly loud “NO!”
The truth is that women and men, alike, are bombarded with fantastical ideas about what to expect of their true love. So there’s no wonder at how easily we get disappointed when our spouses don’t perform up to our expectations. We go into marriage with unrealistic views and many fall out of marriage for the very same reason.
Here’s a quote for you: “A successful marriage isn’t the union of two perfect people. It’s that of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.” Darlene Schacht from the HappyWivesClub.com stated that beautiful revelation as to what success in matrimony really entails. I don’t know anything about her other than she’s the author of that quote. But, I can guess that she had to learn that truth through some hard lessons. Oftentimes, what we are the best at, is what hurt the most to become the best at… That was me and you can quote me on it.
Wisdom can come through several means, however, profound wisdom generally comes through tremendous pain. I don’t speak as one that knows a great deal of things, nevertheless, I can speak as one who has been there, done that, learned from it, and lived to tell about it.
I started out as a starry-eyed teen ready to embark on the journey of marriage. The preacher that married me and my husband asked us why we wanted to get married. With that sweet melody blasting in our hearts, we sweetly said, “Because we love one another.” He, then, asked, “Well, is love all you need?” Of course, we replied with bulging hearts in our eyes just as sweetly as before, “Yes…” The preacher just smiled and didn’t press the subject any further. Later on, I was a bit offended by his smile, thinking, “What does that old guy know???” Well, it turns out he knew a lot…a whole lot more than me.
Fast forward 22 years later, now we both know that preacher had profound wisdom. I honestly 
believe he didn’t press any further with the subject because he knew this was something we would eventually learn on our own. A week after our day of counseling, we were hitched. 22 years later, staring at a bright screen in the middle of the night, I know full well what you need to make a successful marriage. It’s really just a quick formula, but there’s nothing simple about it:
LOVE: It’s enough to get you together, but not enough to bind you together forever. Most people think of love on an emotional level instead of what it is, a series of choices to express actions that put someone else’s needs/wants/desires above your own. True love is best described in 1 Corinthians 13 of the Bible. After reading that chapter, you soon realize that it’s really not about “me.”
FAITH: Relying on God to steer the ship and guide your life can create miracles in marriage every day. You’re not accountable for one another’s actions, but you are accountable for your own and how you react to one another’s actions. Leaning on Him to keep you on the right track makes all the difference in whether you drown in deep waters or learn to walk on water.
FORGIVENESS: Here is where the rubber meets the road, and sometimes literally. Surviving in life requires mediocre sacrifice, most people can do it. On the other hand, thriving in life means taking the staircase that few would dare to climb. Success in marriage means choosing to thrive. Forgiveness in marriage is taking many steps upward, on that staircase, at different times. To keep moving forward, it’s not just a good idea to forgive, it’s a vital part of the journey.
I’m not just referring to forgiving the big stuff, but also the little foxes that slip in and make us go crazy. “He snores,” “She nags,” “He spent the day napping,” “She spent all the money…” Whatever the cause, familiarity usually makes us irritable, especially when it’s already grating on your nerves. I once heard someone say, “A good marriage is made up of two very good forgivers.” This is very true. Had it not been for forgiveness, where would you be? How would your life have changed? I know my answer and it’s not pretty.
I was an adulterer, a liar, a manipulator, a woman thirsting to feel wanted, not just by my husband, but other men. I searched for attention, even if it was just eye contact, that’s where I found my thrill. I wanted to be desired. That led me on a dangerous path…too many times. I wish those were my only faults, but it’s actually only the short list. Before marriage, only God knew my failures. Afterward, my husband saw me for who I was, the person who I had been hiding from everyone for so long. It became crystal clear that I was a young woman in dire need of forgiveness. When forgiveness came, I didn’t know how to answer it. I hated who I was and I carried that disgust with me for a while. It took years for me to feel redeemed, but I have found that redemption, thank God. My husband had to forgive who I was and what I had brought into our marriage. He was able to see an imperfect person standing beside him. No longer clothed by fantasy, I stood before him more naked than I had ever been, wearing only sorrow and repentance for the lies I had led him to believe. I wanted to hide myself, just as Adam and Eve hid from God in the Garden of Eden, but I couldn’t hide anymore.
I’d love to say that forgiveness brings in reparation and restoration immediately, but I can’t. Forgiveness is a process. Our ugly deeds have consequences. They cause undeserved torment. They leave doubts in the minds of our loved ones. The doubts don’t always surface as an intentional distrust. Oftentimes, they just creep up like a bad case of acid reflux, unexpected and painful. It’s like a war happening inside you that causes you to make a choice: will you continue to walk in forgiveness or will you stop? I know this war all too well.
You see, because I, too, married an imperfect person, I had to learn to forgive. My husband brought his own load of baggage into our marriage. He brought that same desire to feel wanted. He brought an insecurity that constantly challenged him in his youth and then, also, as a man. Infidelity was a sin we both could relate to, but had the most difficult time to overcome together. In fact, we are still a work in progress, however, at least we are in progress not complacency.
I’ve wanted, on a slew of occasions, to stop the process of forgiveness. I’ve wanted to quit. I’ve been so weary, heavy-burdened, overloaded, and plumb tired-out that silence seemed to be my best defense.
I’ve cried and prayed to the point of exhaustion until sleep overtook me. I’ve fought long and hard reaching for the top of that staircase even if I had to crawl to get there. In this process, you have to beat down the thoughts that fly at you like arrows at an archery tournament and you’re the target. You have to challenge the things that challenge your desire to forgive. The Bible tells us that the enemy will come in like a flood, but the Lord will raise up a standard against him; that’s another place where your faith comes in: believe that God is at your defense, trust in what He says, and do your part to stop the flood.
This battle has been a tough one, but I’m still here. My husband is still here. Even more so, we are here together because of love, faith, and forgiveness. Love has provoked us to thrive. Faith guides us along the way. And forgiveness has been the glue that binds us. If you ask me, I’d say that marriage only works with these three essentials.
If you’re frustrated in marriage, it might be time to look within. If you’re hurting, it’s definitely time to look up. If you’re angry, surely it’s time to forgive.
~Carrie Conner 12/16/2016
Carrie Conner has been married to her high school sweetheart and the love of her life, David, for 22 adventurous years. Together, they are the parents of 5 amazing children from the ages of 19 to 3 and three in-between. Carrie is a full-time homeschooling mom, part-time blogger, occasional guest speaker at women’s events, and an all-the-time woman of faith. You can check out more of her marriage story and some of her other work, along with the writings of her friends and co-founders of the blog, at www.mamascript.com. You can also follow them on Facebook at www.facebook.com/mamascript.
