This next DV guest blog post is from a wonderful woman I met in a writing group on Facebook. It turned out she too was a victim of domestic abuse. When I asked her if she would like to share her story, in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, she didn’t even hesitate. We chose to do an interview.
Meet Stacy Bryant, also known as Coach Stacy. Coach Stacy is a newly retired military veteran, a mother of five, and she’s been a life coach for 7 years. She is a speaker, author, and Founder of The HOPE Foundation Domestic Violence Advocacy Center, creator of Woman with Purpose TV, and Founder of Stiletto Boss. Stacy and I do not live in the same state, so our interview was over the phone. After we got a little distracted chatting about other things, and a mutual connection, we finally began what we were originally called to discuss.
LC: When did you meet your abuser?
STACY: “Well actually, there were two. I was with my first at twenty-two. I kept quiet…….and I thought, ‘that will never happen to me again.’ My self –esteem got so low, I thought I couldn’t be without him.
LC: What made you leave?
STACY: “Honestly, it wasn’t even the abuse. He had a vehicle accident and my brother was in the car with him. My brother was killed, and this carried a heavy burden. This, along with pressure from my family throughout the situation was what ended the relationship. We were not married”
LC: And the second one?
STACY: “I was married, six years later, into the same situation. I never gave myself time to heal.
LC: What attracted you to the second one?
STACY: “Oh boy, hmmm. Well actually, I was a nurturer like most of us women are. He was needy, and that made me feel needed. Then about a year later, he started the abusive behavior.”
LC: How long were you together, and what got you out of this one?
STACY: “I began to think it was time, but I wasn’t sure how. I just had my son; I wasn’t doing a lot of work, so I felt I wasn’t financially unable to leave. Then, one day, a friend of mine said to me, ‘your daughter is being affected by what you are going through. Your daughter is going to wake up one day and kill that man because she is tired of seeing you go through this.’ She was eleven at the time. So I went to talk to an army recruiter. I was in a bad situation. Even the pastor and brothers of my church would come to the house when I had black eyes and visible bruises. My Pastor would say, ‘The Bible didn’t say you have to stay in this situation.’ The army was my way out. When I got the call saying ‘We have accepted you’, the recruiter was like, ‘we have a ship date; you ready to go?”
LC: How did the abuse affect you the most?
STACY: “My daughter watching me go through that. “
LC: So, you said the abuse started a year after marriage. You know hindsight is 20/20. Were there any signs that were there, before that, you now known you may have overlooked?
STACY: “Oh of course! Love is blind! Flags were there, but we as women are nurturers and it’s easy to overlook when you’re in love and feel needed. In the beginning, my husband would isolate me from friends and family, so I would have nobody but him. I didn’t see it at first. I thought ‘Oh he just wants to be with me.’ Then he would be controlling over everything. If I had $5, he would need $4. If I wanted to go somewhere, he’d say, where are you going. Then he needed the car and etc.”
LC: How long did you serve?
STACY: “Ten years. I started my coaching business before I got out and after the healing process. I like to help others get out and be healed the way I did. Healing is a process. I do think, through my coaching, I am continuing to be healed.”
LC: That’s wonderful. Do you communicate with either of your ex’s?
STACY: “I do not communicate very often with my ex-husband. If I allow myself to get too close, it will affect my children. We have to co-parent, but there’s no communication outside of how his son is doing. I talk, from time to time, with the ex-boyfriend. That issue was a long time ago. We were caught up and young.”
LC: Have you forgiven your abusers?
STACY: “Oh, definitely. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It was hard! But once you grasp that it’s not about them, the situation is lifted off your shoulders. I’ve forgiven them both.”
LC: When did your healing begin?
STACY: “When I began to own and accept that I allowed it to happen. I made the choice to stay. Once I began to forgive myself, my healing began.”
LC: What has been the greatest difference in your life now?
STACY: “Seeing the difference in my children’s lives and how living in a toxic free environment gives them a life of freedom. They were devastated at the time, but continued to do well academically. The change in them was living in freedom rather than fear. There are more smiles and laughter. They are happier, less tense, and more involved in things. There is more family conversation.”
LC: What would you tell someone who is going through the same situation now?
STACY: “If you are at the point where you feel its time, just go. If you know, it’s time to go. Don’t worry about money or anything else. Go.”
LC: Thank you, so much Stacy for sharing your story.
STACY: “Thank you for asking me.”
Coach Stacy wants to inspire you to know there is hope after pain, build self-confidence, and expand awareness in your life. See her list of personal development services. Women entrepreneurs, enjoy a one-stop shop at Stiletto Boss, and ignite abundance, discipline, confidence, and resiliency.
Thank you for your service, Coach Stacy, to your country, and to women in need of a change!
